Yep. It had definitely been a good while since I have blogged. I do have a specific reason as to why I took a break. Honestly it was because I was feeling empty. This year has been kicking. my. butt. I don’t think I have ever felt this lost and lonely before. I was going through a lot – and I still am, but I am becoming so much better. This year I kept saying a certain sentence over, and over and over again. But then out of nowhere I got a call from a friend and she told me something that I will absolutely never forget. I’m going to keep the interaction to myself because it was the miracle that I was needing to hear. It was amazing, she is amazing. If you’re reading this…you know who you are…and thank you.
I’m still not feeling 100% as I was last year, and you know, I don’t think I will ever feel that same way again. The reasoning why is because I have officially entered this new chapter in my life. Things look and feel more different than they had been. I was having trouble coping with these changes, and dealing with my broken heart made it 1000x worse. I’m still trying to figure out the new things that make me feel more like who I am. It’s so hard but I’m working through it. Every day I wake up and constantly tell myself that its a new day and with each new day comes new possibilities (as cheesy as that sounds, its true). I always try and find something good that happened within the day and cherish that moment/memory. Everyone has their ups and downs, their good years and their bad years. So far this has been a pretty SHITTY ASS YEAR. But I’ve been pushing through as hard as my puny arms can push.
As for the good news, my internship ended up offering me a position! I am officially not an intern anymore!!!!! I work for a nonprofit! I’m so happy about it. One thing, however, is that I am only a part-time employee. So I will continue being a barista until I either
a) find a full-time job
b) they give me full-time hours
c) these brunchers end up making me want to never be a barista again. WORKING DURING BRUNCH HOURS SUCKS SO MUCH.
Now that I have a couple of really good jobs, one that pays really well and the other that pays decent, I have began the process of looking for an apartment. I do think that I will need a roommate and I have a few people in mind. The dream would be to live on my own, but I don’t think I can afford that. So I hope that I end up finding the right roommate(s). I am so excited to begin looking for apartments!!! Eeeeeeeeeee!
I guess that is all that I needed to say on here. I don’t know how often I’ll keep updating. But for those of you who have been coming back to see if I have written anything new, thank you 🙂 Talk to y’all later!
Today is Valentines Day, and also your birthday. You would have been 55 today. Almost every day I wonder about you. Wondering where you are, if you’re able to watch over us, if you are constantly creeping on the things that we are doing. If you are constantly creeping then, my goodness, you have definitely seen some things last year. For that those things, I am sorry? Not really haha. I haven’t done one of these posts in a long time. I talk to you all the time, but I haven’t put it online. I think the reason behind that is because I don’t want to seem like one of “those people”. You know, the person that is always posting about the person close to them who passed away. I guess I don’t want the attention that comes from it. I don’t want peoples pity.
I always think about if you were to come back today what changes would you notice when you come into our house. For one you would see Beemo. She has become a family member now. We have actually had an animal last longer than a few months. She hasn’t died, nor has she ran away for forever. She loves us and we love her. I think I love her more than everyone else in the family though, shes my queen. Another thing that you would notice is how tall Matthew has gotten. He is taller than all of us! Every time someone comes over to visit they are in disbelief at how grown he has become. With Michelle you will just notice how much more independent she is. She bought her own car and she is now doing the whole “going to school and working part-time” gig that I did when I was in school. Oh yeah, I fiiiiiinally graduated. I can now say that I have a bachelors degree. I’ll probably go to grad school later on down the road, but for now I just want find the right full time job. I’m planning on doing a solo trip this month. So please watch over me as I take this road trip. If my tire blows out or my car dies…please send help because I will absolutely lose it. Now with mom, you would be SO proud at how much more independent mom has become. She is killing it. I am proud of her. I know that you were worried about what would happen to us when you passed away. You were worried if we would be able to pay all the bills and still keep the same house that we live in. Well we are doing it, together as a family we have been busting our asses and doing it all. I am proud of all of us. 6 years ago when all of that took place we were all scared of where we would be at this point in time. I wouldn’t have imagined how far we each would come. I just hope that you’re able to watch all of this. I hope that you’re proud of everything we have accomplished/are accomplishing. I hope that you continue to be with us throughout all the heartache that we endure in the future. This road has not been easy. In fact it has been on of the hardest I have ever had to walk through, but I feel as though you have been helping guide the way. Thank you for that.
I love you dad and I miss you every.single.day.
Things have been looking up. Things have been getting so much better. I’ve been allowing myself to hangout with friends more than ever before. I’ve been putting myself out there so I can meet new people and so far its all been good. I told myself that February was going to be a good month. I keep repeating it over and over again as if I’m trying to truly convince myself of this. Some new things that I did these past few weeks are:
– Going brunette, although my friends will tell you otherwise. I’m actually a halfway brunette. My roots are pretty dark and then it fades to the red. But this year I will be doing the slow process of going back to my natural hair color.
– FINALLY seeing Acro-Cats perform. I tried to go last year but every show was sold out. Luckily I have some friends that kept an eye out for this year.
– Enjoying all of the free Super Bowl events that Houston hosted. I was able to see Shakey Graves! My friends and I were able to get reaaaaaaaally close to the front. We also saw Leon Bridges perform and he was amazing. He brought a really fun energy to the crowd.
I have also been working a ton these past few weeks. Currently its around 50 hours a week. Yup you read that right. 50+ hours a week. I haven’t had a day off in three weeks. I’ve been working Monday through Sunday. I’m going to try and go on a mini-vacation sometime this month. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to do it. I’ve also still been applying to full time jobs. I have an excel spreadsheet that I created so I can keep track of the number of jobs I’ve applied to and to keep an eye out of other patterns that I’m noticing while applying for these jobs. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that someone will see something amazing in me. I have a feeling that it’ll happen, maybe not anytime soon, but it will happen sometime this year. Until then I’ll keep working and focus on taking care of myself.
I’m finding myself listening to my body more than ever before. If my body is saying that I need to take a bath, I take one. If she’s saying that she needs to run, I go on a run. If she tells me that I need to cry, I sit there and I cry.
I’ve still been feeling pretty shitty. Not as shitty as I had been the past few weeks, but it’s still there and lingering. I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. It’s about once a day now, instead of once every hour. Breakups absolutely suck. I’ve had to deal with them more than I will ever admit to say. Each breakup is different, but this one feels more intense because I truly believed that I was something special to him. I believed that for the first time, something beautiful was going to come out of this relationship that I was in. But I was wrong. Completely wrong. It sucks knowing that you don’t mean as much to someone as they did to you. It breaks me knowing that the reasoning behind the breakup was because he will “never be in love with me”. But time will heal me. Eventually. Hopefully.
I’ve been slowly getting to the point where I can hang out with friends again. I went out last night and had so much fun with the people I was with. We were at this bar and then I had this overwhelming sense of panic come over me. It could have been because I was a little buzzed. But I panicked because I realized that I will have to start all over again. Meeting people, conversing, telling the same silly stories that I always say. I started crying right there at the bar. It was super pathetic but I couldn’t help myself. I’m tired of doing the whole dating scene, I’m tired of wondering if I will be good enough for someone some day. I’m honestly giving up on all of it. I know that I am a beautiful, sweet, creative, smart, hardworking, lovely person. I know that I have amazing qualities and weird quirks. Why he didn’t see that? I don’t know.
I keep telling myself that he is missing out on something great. He is going to be the one that will look back and wish he would have tried harder. He is going to regret it some day. But I truly believe that he will never think that. He is going to always be happy with the decision he made. Then that is where I completely break down.
I feel pathetic posting this on here. But it’s truthfully what I have been feeling. I’ll just be patiently waiting for the day that I feel good again.
It’s 2017 and I needed to start fresh. This is the year of completely new beginnings. I graduated from the University of Houston 17 days ago and I got my heart severely broken by my best friend 7 days ago. The number 7 seems to be a pattern here. I hope that means that this year will bring me luck, but who am I to talk about luck? Last year I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world…that was until 7 days ago.
If you have been following me along on my old blog, I will continue leaving it up so you can still access my old posts. I had that blog for about five years. So if you want to reaaaally get to know me I say you grab a cup of tea and click away.
Please take a look down my memory lane. You might notice a pattern of redundancy. Typical redundancies.
Any who, I will write the typical “first of the new year post”. Yes, I am feeling excited about this year. I have some pretty cool goals that I recently set for myself. Although I will keep those a secret until the time comes to reveal them. One goal that keeps screaming in my face is finding a f u l l t i m e b i g g i r l j o b . I am currently an intern at a non profit and really enjoy it! I’m learning far more than I had at my last internship. This internship will only last until the middle of February, so unless they end up offering me a full time position, I will constantly keep my eyes peeled on the job search. I’m also still a barista at one of the greatest cafes in Houston. I am always proud when I walk into that little, old, quaint building. Every time my friends come in to visit me they always say how “cool” I look working there. Lol you guys are “cool”.
I plan on writing in this thing fairly often. That is until my life gets boring and I have nothing to write about, which (if you followed me on my old blog) happens quite a lot.
I’m glad that I am taking the chance to start brand spankin new. As cheesy as it sounds, my life is opening up this new chapter, this blank slate. It scares the absolute shit of out me. The plans that I had a few months ago have completely changed. I had plans to move to Colorado this summer in order to be closer to my then boyfriend. I was so excited about starting brand new and making new friends there. I can still do that now but it will be even lonelier because all I have is myself. Maybe thats what I need though? Maybe the universe is telling me that I need to be more independent and focus on myself instead of trying to ALWAYS please others. I have no idea what this year has in store for me. I have no classes to look forward to, no trips lined up, no boyfriend to call on when I’m seeking advice, most of my friends are still in school so they won’t be able to hangout all the time. I have nothing. This scares me oh so very much. I feel as though I am looking into the darkest black hole. I don’t know what else to say other than I am so, so scared.